Friday, May 28, 2010
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Monday, May 10, 2010
THINGS THATMAKE YOU FEEL LIKE AN IDOT!
Holding other people's babies
At some point in your life, you are going to have to hold a baby. When that time comes, you will discover that babies are terrifying and they hate you.
~~ Not having pockets to put your hands in while listening to someone else talk
Once you realize that there are no pockets and there never will be any pockets no matter how much you wish for them, you begin futilely cycling through a series of increasingly awkward hand positions; hands on your hips like a superhero, arms folded lightly over your chest like an insecure preteen, arms folded purposefully over your chest like an angry farmer, hands dangling limply at your sides - they all make you feel insecure and unnatural.
~~ People of indeterminate gender
You try not to notice. You try not to let it bother you because you are a good person and your identity is heavily dependent on perceiving yourself as nonjudgmental and understanding of others. But somewhere in the back of your mind, you begin to feel panic.
~~ Having your space invaded by your friend's cat
You don't like cats, but you pretend to like your friend's cat because that's what friends do. Then the cat gets all pushy and starts kneading your chest with its paws and backing its ass up in your face. But you can't do anything about it.
~~ Talking with the guy who hates everything
The guy who hates everything can turn any conversation into a one-sided rant. This sends you into a tailspin of anxiety over whether this person can tell that you ate microwave fish sticks for lunch or if you've ever mentioned your weakness for Slim Jims around him.
At some point in your life, you are going to have to hold a baby. When that time comes, you will discover that babies are terrifying and they hate you.
~~ Not having pockets to put your hands in while listening to someone else talk
Once you realize that there are no pockets and there never will be any pockets no matter how much you wish for them, you begin futilely cycling through a series of increasingly awkward hand positions; hands on your hips like a superhero, arms folded lightly over your chest like an insecure preteen, arms folded purposefully over your chest like an angry farmer, hands dangling limply at your sides - they all make you feel insecure and unnatural.
~~ People of indeterminate gender
You try not to notice. You try not to let it bother you because you are a good person and your identity is heavily dependent on perceiving yourself as nonjudgmental and understanding of others. But somewhere in the back of your mind, you begin to feel panic.
~~ Having your space invaded by your friend's cat
You don't like cats, but you pretend to like your friend's cat because that's what friends do. Then the cat gets all pushy and starts kneading your chest with its paws and backing its ass up in your face. But you can't do anything about it.
~~ Talking with the guy who hates everything
The guy who hates everything can turn any conversation into a one-sided rant. This sends you into a tailspin of anxiety over whether this person can tell that you ate microwave fish sticks for lunch or if you've ever mentioned your weakness for Slim Jims around him.
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